Tonight I am dealing with disappointment on so many levels that my normally tough shell is starting to develop hairline fractures. I can feel it cracking, and it makes me sad.
I normally live by and share often with others the idea that all thing happen for a reason and therefore there is no reason to worry about how things will work out in the end. Even when things don't end like we wanted or expected, we learn and grow as a result. Everything that happens to us in life is an opportunity and a blessing and when things don't happen at all...well, they just weren't meant to be. This usually gets me through even the toughest days.
But today I was feeling a little neglected (and wondering if I might be getting ignored actually) by a man that has recently brought much happiness into my life. I'm not sure why he would do such a thing because, even if he didn't want to continue the relationship, he could simply tell me. Perhaps this is an over-reaction on my part and tomorrow will bring an explanation that makes perfect sense and I will feel really stupid for getting anxious today. In the meantime, I'm feeling very disappointed at not getting any attention from this guy today. Maybe that's selfish and silly?
Anyway, once I started feeling bad, I got into a groove. You know what I mean..."misery loves company!" I started thinking about all of the things that are wrong with my life at the moment and having a very nice pity party thank you very much. This is not something I normally do. In fact, I typically despise this sort of attitude and believe that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." But I guess we can't all be strong all of the time.
So I started thinking about how I have to move soon because my home is in foreclosure and I don't have enough money saved if I needed to move tomorrow. I heard a noise from my engine, a noise that has become familiar and worrisome lately, as we drove down the road and thought about how I wish I had money to put my truck in the shop and fix whatever is wrong with it (or better yet buy a newer vehicle, preferably one that gets more than twelve miles per gallon). I really had it going right? But I didn't stop yet.
Then I started thinking about how men like to be "just friends" with me. I've gotten along with the opposite sex better than my own for most of my life. I can fit right in as one of the guys. No problem until you get really lonely and want some real companionship, somebody to snuggle and watch a movie with, someone who will let you lay your head on his chest and just be there when you feel down, a person who will hug you and hold you. Maybe I found someone like that recently, but now I'm not sure...but most of the men I meet just want to be my friend, and oddly enough actually mean it. We end up being buddies and I enjoy their company and one of them is actually one of my very best friends. But I digress...
I know I need to get myself out of this slump. I feel tears building deep down inside and I know that if I do this long enough they will rise and rise and eventually spill and I absolutely do not want to go there. I know that many of my friends will say things like "what were you thinking" or "you need to swear off men for a while" or "have some more wine" and those things will not make me feel better today. Or they will say "you just gotta have faith," which I know to be true, but in my present mood I am not feeling it and that is the problem, not the answer.
So I texted a friend that I haven't known for very long, someone that has a great smile and a generally upbeat attitiude, someone I have come to admire for exactly that. I told him (Yes him, I told you guys just wanna be my friend) that I really just needed someone objective to lend me an ear for a few minutes and help me turn my mood around. I asked if we could meet for coffee somewhere because I really needed a friend right now. And guess what?
He didn't reply.
Hours went by and nothing. Not even a "sorry I really can't right now" or even a "hell no I don't wanna hear your problems." Great. Now I really feel like that pile of brown stuff that my dog left in the cold wet yard this afternoon. What now?
I decided that perhaps I could distract myself. I did some laundry, checked emails and actually took care of the many requests for this and that they contained, played some music on Spotify, got on Facebook (where I experienced much more disappointment after reading many posts about how terribly people had behaved), walked the dog, got back on Facebook, checked on my blog...
Alas, I am sitting here still. But tomorrow is a new day. And this one has taught me much. Hopefully tomorrow will come with a new attitude, a renewed sense of faith, and superglue in the cracks of my shell. Maybe tomorrow.
My son just texted me that the birthday gift I sent him was by far his favorite birthday gift. That made me smile.
Isn't it amazing what a few words said or unsaid can do to your day?